Sharing Childcare: A Plan for Both Parents

What does fair sharing look like?

A new baby can strain a relationship because parents are tired and have less time together.

Feeling that care and household tasks are shared fairly can reduce stress and help partners feel supported.

One parent may be recovering from birth, returning to work, or doing most feeds. Use those circumstances as the starting point for your discussion. The question is who needs relief today and what the other person can take on.

Discuss a division that feels fair to both of you, including each person’s work, current needs, and opportunities to rest.

Include preparation in the job

When you agree on a task, discuss its preparation and follow-through as well as who does it.

The following examples turn an agreed role into something concrete. Change the names and jobs to suit your household; the table is a starting point for a conversation.

For example, during a morning handover, one parent handles dressing while the other finishes breakfast. In a toddler household, the same conversation might cover the daycare bag, pickup and bedtime. Decide what happens if the usual person is unavailable.

Both parents can practise changing, dressing, and settling their baby.

Avoid handing the baby back to your partner every time the baby cries; practise caring and settling, and ask for help when needed.

Feeding and nights need a flexible plan

If one parent breastfeeds, the other can take care of the baby’s other needs and household chores.

If formula feeding, partners can share feeds; if breastfeeding, a partner can handle morning changing and dressing so the feeding parent can rest.

A feeding difference does not settle the whole division of care. For example, the parent who is not feeding could handle clean clothes and the morning change. Discuss which jobs fit your feeding routine.

Rest needs someone else on duty

Arrange breaks for each parent, and sometimes put rest ahead of unfinished chores.

For example, agree that one parent is responsible for care while the other eats or rests. Agree when the break ends and who is caring for the child during it.

A trusted friend or relative can look after the baby while a parent takes a nap.

Talk through differences and keep care safe

Choose a calm moment to talk, listen carefully, and check that you have understood each other.

Say what you need and what is bothering you instead of expecting your partner to guess.

An example request is: “I need a break after dinner. Can you take over dressing and settling?” Use a specific request to discuss the job you need help with. After trying the arrangement, ask what felt difficult and which role needs changing.

Acknowledge your partner’s effort and approach disagreements with respect.

Discuss parenting together.

Work through disagreements away from your child.

Use the infant sleep rules below when your child is a baby. With a toddler, the discussion can instead focus on your usual routines and how each parent will respond to the same situation.

For a baby under 1 year, start sleep on the back on a firm, flat mattress and keep the cot clear of pillows, soft toys, and loose bedding.

For a premature baby, count the year of safer sleep precautions from the due date.

Never sleep on a sofa or in an armchair with a baby.

If crying overwhelms you and nobody can take over, put the baby safely in their cot, set a short time limit (for example, 10 minutes), go into another room to calm down, and return within that time.

Never shake a baby, however frustrated you feel.

When the plan needs outside help

If you are very tired and struggling to cope, talk to a health professional.

If you cannot work through relationship problems, a relationship counsellor can help.

Control, manipulation, and emotional, financial, sexual, or physical abuse make a relationship unsafe.

If you face abuse, seek support from a trusted professional or local domestic abuse service; if anyone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.